Sabotage-Again???

For whatever reson, I am back in sabotage mode.

I still want to lose weight-a lot more actually, yet I am falling back into the habit of distancing myself from my goals.

It starts with a snack here and there that don't get written down. Then it develops into the "I'm tired and if I shove this in my face now and pass out no one will know". That leads to skipping meals and instead wanting to eat crackers or cookies, or cookie dough or anything that seems "forbidden".

Why do I do this to myself? I've been doing such a great job up til now. I plan, I shop, I keep track of things-its how I got to where i am now. Why am I in the 'giving up stage"? I try to reason with myself "if you buy these crackers/cookies, you can only eat them in a planned and recognized manner-no binging and scarfing down the whole box". But what happens? I scarf down the whole box, feel incredibly guilty, and then get really bummed.

I know that the whole move has got me tied up in knots-from the financial issues to the actual moving day stress-whether shit will fit and how will I get it all unpacked?

Topping that off is the issue with my sister, that came to a head when she sold the house I live in. She went about it in a very shady way, and it sparked a HUGE fight between us. I let her have it with both barrels, and told her just what I thought of her. It didn't make me feel any better, but it made me feel that maybe I could hurt her as much as she hurt me.

Needless to say it has proved awkward, as she and her family are coming here for Christmas this year. I offered a very basic olive branch, which she chose to ignore for 2 weeks. Now she emails me and wants to know how we are going to get past this. I really have no idea what to do or say. I did mean the things I said to her-no matter how brutal and mean they were. She hurt me and couldn't care less. I have no problem being cordial to her, but I have no desire to be close anymore.

It just adds more weight to the load I am already carrying, and I don't think I can do this much longer. I want to move TOMORROW so at least I can be doing something. There is only so much that I can pack at this point, and the rest of the time I buzz around, never quite feeling comfortable or able to relax. The more there is on my plate, the less I want to eat it, and to instead scarf down anything that remotely looks good.