The Rollercoaster of Life...

I've been feeling really good lately. Working out, eating healthy-it feels like for the first time in my life, I am genuinely happy with my life. ENTER: STRESS + PANIC

My home is soon not to be mine anymore. My sister and her husband put it on the market a week ago and it already sold. The couple that came and looked at it seemed to be interested in keeping me as a tenant, but according to my sister, whoever bought it wants the whole thing to themselves.

Needless to say it left a bad taste in my mouth, and once again, anger reared its head and I lashed out.

I was upset that the place was listed as a house instead of apartments. They could even have told the realtor to mention that the basement makes a great rental and would help pay the mortgage. But no-the just listed it and walked away. And the first offer they had they took. And then they tried to hide it from me-that was what really ticked me off.

She told me that she needed to talk to me, and not with Dad around. THAT should have set off the alarm-if there isn't anything wrong with the situation, why keep it from dad? She says she didn't want me to cause a big scene and make it uncomfortable for them. Right.

I tried just ignoring her-it was enough knowing that I am going to have to find a place, try and scrape together first and last and then pack up and move. It was overwhelming to say the least and there were many tears shed, and alot of swearing . I had a hoot and calmed down, but as it wore off, the anger returned and I felt the need to let her know how I really feel.

And let me say I did just that-no holds barred. With lock, stock and 2 smoking barrels I explained that I thought she was a lousy sister. That as family I would hope that she cares enough about me to make this as painless as possible. That she shows me about the same respect as the people upstairs, and that's not saying much. She makes a big deal about staying out of it-that she gets caught in the middle between families when this kind of stuff goes down.

But funny-how come SHE was the one who was going to talk to me? What about her asshole of a husband-and yes-I told her that we all feel that way about him-but I'm the only one who would say it. She went on to tell me that I am an ingrate and that I should understand that she needs to put her family first. Then she tears me a new one about how I need to grow up and stop relying on everyone to help me-that I'm almost 40 and should be able to be self-sufficient.

Needless to say the words that followed were far from pretty. It got real ugly and I pretty much disowned her.

I spent all day in a fugue state-twisted and torn and just going through the motions. I gave up and went to bed, but with the time change, it wasn't a great sleep. I think I'll take a nap and then maybe walk to Guardian later.

The point is, whats done is done, and now I have to start thinking about the future. I have to try and make more money in order to balance my budget. If that means moonlighting, then I will do what I can to get more cash flow.

Who knows-maybe there's an apartment out there that is even better than this one, that I can afford and I can settle into. If I believe it, it will happen.