For whatever reson, I am back in sabotage mode.
I still want to lose weight-a lot more actually, yet I am falling back into the habit of distancing myself from my goals.
It starts with a snack here and there that don't get written down. Then it develops into the "I'm tired and if I shove this in my face now and pass out no one will know". That leads to skipping meals and instead wanting to eat crackers or cookies, or cookie dough or anything that seems "forbidden".
Why do I do this to myself? I've been doing such a great job up til now. I plan, I shop, I keep track of things-its how I got to where i am now. Why am I in the 'giving up stage"? I try to reason with myself "if you buy these crackers/cookies, you can only eat them in a planned and recognized manner-no binging and scarfing down the whole box". But what happens? I scarf down the whole box, feel incredibly guilty, and then get really bummed.
I know that the whole move has got me tied up in knots-from the financial issues to the actual moving day stress-whether shit will fit and how will I get it all unpacked?
Topping that off is the issue with my sister, that came to a head when she sold the house I live in. She went about it in a very shady way, and it sparked a HUGE fight between us. I let her have it with both barrels, and told her just what I thought of her. It didn't make me feel any better, but it made me feel that maybe I could hurt her as much as she hurt me.
Needless to say it has proved awkward, as she and her family are coming here for Christmas this year. I offered a very basic olive branch, which she chose to ignore for 2 weeks. Now she emails me and wants to know how we are going to get past this. I really have no idea what to do or say. I did mean the things I said to her-no matter how brutal and mean they were. She hurt me and couldn't care less. I have no problem being cordial to her, but I have no desire to be close anymore.
It just adds more weight to the load I am already carrying, and I don't think I can do this much longer. I want to move TOMORROW so at least I can be doing something. There is only so much that I can pack at this point, and the rest of the time I buzz around, never quite feeling comfortable or able to relax. The more there is on my plate, the less I want to eat it, and to instead scarf down anything that remotely looks good.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
The Rollercoaster of Life...
I've been feeling really good lately. Working out, eating healthy-it feels like for the first time in my life, I am genuinely happy with my life. ENTER: STRESS + PANIC
My home is soon not to be mine anymore. My sister and her husband put it on the market a week ago and it already sold. The couple that came and looked at it seemed to be interested in keeping me as a tenant, but according to my sister, whoever bought it wants the whole thing to themselves.
Needless to say it left a bad taste in my mouth, and once again, anger reared its head and I lashed out.
I was upset that the place was listed as a house instead of apartments. They could even have told the realtor to mention that the basement makes a great rental and would help pay the mortgage. But no-the just listed it and walked away. And the first offer they had they took. And then they tried to hide it from me-that was what really ticked me off.
She told me that she needed to talk to me, and not with Dad around. THAT should have set off the alarm-if there isn't anything wrong with the situation, why keep it from dad? She says she didn't want me to cause a big scene and make it uncomfortable for them. Right.
I tried just ignoring her-it was enough knowing that I am going to have to find a place, try and scrape together first and last and then pack up and move. It was overwhelming to say the least and there were many tears shed, and alot of swearing . I had a hoot and calmed down, but as it wore off, the anger returned and I felt the need to let her know how I really feel.
And let me say I did just that-no holds barred. With lock, stock and 2 smoking barrels I explained that I thought she was a lousy sister. That as family I would hope that she cares enough about me to make this as painless as possible. That she shows me about the same respect as the people upstairs, and that's not saying much. She makes a big deal about staying out of it-that she gets caught in the middle between families when this kind of stuff goes down.
But funny-how come SHE was the one who was going to talk to me? What about her asshole of a husband-and yes-I told her that we all feel that way about him-but I'm the only one who would say it. She went on to tell me that I am an ingrate and that I should understand that she needs to put her family first. Then she tears me a new one about how I need to grow up and stop relying on everyone to help me-that I'm almost 40 and should be able to be self-sufficient.
Needless to say the words that followed were far from pretty. It got real ugly and I pretty much disowned her.
I spent all day in a fugue state-twisted and torn and just going through the motions. I gave up and went to bed, but with the time change, it wasn't a great sleep. I think I'll take a nap and then maybe walk to Guardian later.
The point is, whats done is done, and now I have to start thinking about the future. I have to try and make more money in order to balance my budget. If that means moonlighting, then I will do what I can to get more cash flow.
Who knows-maybe there's an apartment out there that is even better than this one, that I can afford and I can settle into. If I believe it, it will happen.
My home is soon not to be mine anymore. My sister and her husband put it on the market a week ago and it already sold. The couple that came and looked at it seemed to be interested in keeping me as a tenant, but according to my sister, whoever bought it wants the whole thing to themselves.
Needless to say it left a bad taste in my mouth, and once again, anger reared its head and I lashed out.
I was upset that the place was listed as a house instead of apartments. They could even have told the realtor to mention that the basement makes a great rental and would help pay the mortgage. But no-the just listed it and walked away. And the first offer they had they took. And then they tried to hide it from me-that was what really ticked me off.
She told me that she needed to talk to me, and not with Dad around. THAT should have set off the alarm-if there isn't anything wrong with the situation, why keep it from dad? She says she didn't want me to cause a big scene and make it uncomfortable for them. Right.
I tried just ignoring her-it was enough knowing that I am going to have to find a place, try and scrape together first and last and then pack up and move. It was overwhelming to say the least and there were many tears shed, and alot of swearing . I had a hoot and calmed down, but as it wore off, the anger returned and I felt the need to let her know how I really feel.
And let me say I did just that-no holds barred. With lock, stock and 2 smoking barrels I explained that I thought she was a lousy sister. That as family I would hope that she cares enough about me to make this as painless as possible. That she shows me about the same respect as the people upstairs, and that's not saying much. She makes a big deal about staying out of it-that she gets caught in the middle between families when this kind of stuff goes down.
But funny-how come SHE was the one who was going to talk to me? What about her asshole of a husband-and yes-I told her that we all feel that way about him-but I'm the only one who would say it. She went on to tell me that I am an ingrate and that I should understand that she needs to put her family first. Then she tears me a new one about how I need to grow up and stop relying on everyone to help me-that I'm almost 40 and should be able to be self-sufficient.
Needless to say the words that followed were far from pretty. It got real ugly and I pretty much disowned her.
I spent all day in a fugue state-twisted and torn and just going through the motions. I gave up and went to bed, but with the time change, it wasn't a great sleep. I think I'll take a nap and then maybe walk to Guardian later.
The point is, whats done is done, and now I have to start thinking about the future. I have to try and make more money in order to balance my budget. If that means moonlighting, then I will do what I can to get more cash flow.
Who knows-maybe there's an apartment out there that is even better than this one, that I can afford and I can settle into. If I believe it, it will happen.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Off to a slow start, but gaining momentum...
So ok. When I last posted in June I really wanted to start making a difference in my life, but I didn't really commit to it - not yet. What I did do was formulate a plan in my head, and used the last bit of summer to come up with a strategy.
I decided to return to Weight Watchers at the end of August, and surprisingly I had a co-worker ask if she could join me. I thought that it would work good to use the buddy system to help both of us reach goals. I then set out to satisfy any and all cravings of food I had, to get it out of my system.
With a firm date in mind, I readied myself and planned both diet and groceries I would eat and need. On the day I started WW I wasn't at my heaviest-but only off by about 6 lbs. It wasn't a shock, but was still unsettling. But it motivated me to get going and stay on course.
It's now been over 7 weeks. I have lost 18lbs, and its starting to show. It started out so simple. Baby steps. Organizing. Planning. And one foot in front of the other.
The water challenge I set for myself is actually quite easy to follow. I drink quite a bit at work, and try to as well at home. it has also motivated others to consume more water, and thats pretty cool.
I have changed my consuming habits as well. I spend about the same in groceries over the course of a month, but mostly fruit and vegetables, meat and a few snack items. I don't flinch at spending $7.99 for a quart of delicious strawberries, $5.99 for sweet fresh pineapple, or $3.99 for ripe, juicy canteloupe. I figure i was probably spending that amount in chips and pop alone, not to mention ice cream.
My snacks are tasty and satisfying, and I often look forward to planning my daily menu. I find if I plan days in advance what my meals and snacks will be, I won't have to worry about making quick decisions that often result in poor choices. I even leave an 'emergency snack" at work for days when I am tempted or still hungry.
For some reason, its almost like a game to me. I follow the rules and I come out the winner. Eat this and this and this and lose that and that and that. I am rarely unsatisfied and have found some days that the day is over and I haven't eaten all my points.
I still have an issue with 'tired binges'. Its like as soon as I can feel myself getting sleepy, I shove whatever in my mouth and it doesn't count. Those foods never make it onto my tracker, and I get very discouraged when I see the wrappers or bags the next day.
But all in all I am making good progress.
I even let my co-workers talk me into a weekly 'spinning class' on my one day to sleep in. I hate it, and my ass hurts for a week, but its at least 1 hour of exercise that I wasn't doing before. Only 5 more weeks, and then after the holidays we will try a different activity. I hope that by that time my cardio skills will have improved enough to do something even wilder, like kick-boxing or karate.
I decided to return to Weight Watchers at the end of August, and surprisingly I had a co-worker ask if she could join me. I thought that it would work good to use the buddy system to help both of us reach goals. I then set out to satisfy any and all cravings of food I had, to get it out of my system.
With a firm date in mind, I readied myself and planned both diet and groceries I would eat and need. On the day I started WW I wasn't at my heaviest-but only off by about 6 lbs. It wasn't a shock, but was still unsettling. But it motivated me to get going and stay on course.
It's now been over 7 weeks. I have lost 18lbs, and its starting to show. It started out so simple. Baby steps. Organizing. Planning. And one foot in front of the other.
The water challenge I set for myself is actually quite easy to follow. I drink quite a bit at work, and try to as well at home. it has also motivated others to consume more water, and thats pretty cool.
I have changed my consuming habits as well. I spend about the same in groceries over the course of a month, but mostly fruit and vegetables, meat and a few snack items. I don't flinch at spending $7.99 for a quart of delicious strawberries, $5.99 for sweet fresh pineapple, or $3.99 for ripe, juicy canteloupe. I figure i was probably spending that amount in chips and pop alone, not to mention ice cream.
My snacks are tasty and satisfying, and I often look forward to planning my daily menu. I find if I plan days in advance what my meals and snacks will be, I won't have to worry about making quick decisions that often result in poor choices. I even leave an 'emergency snack" at work for days when I am tempted or still hungry.
For some reason, its almost like a game to me. I follow the rules and I come out the winner. Eat this and this and this and lose that and that and that. I am rarely unsatisfied and have found some days that the day is over and I haven't eaten all my points.
I still have an issue with 'tired binges'. Its like as soon as I can feel myself getting sleepy, I shove whatever in my mouth and it doesn't count. Those foods never make it onto my tracker, and I get very discouraged when I see the wrappers or bags the next day.
But all in all I am making good progress.
I even let my co-workers talk me into a weekly 'spinning class' on my one day to sleep in. I hate it, and my ass hurts for a week, but its at least 1 hour of exercise that I wasn't doing before. Only 5 more weeks, and then after the holidays we will try a different activity. I hope that by that time my cardio skills will have improved enough to do something even wilder, like kick-boxing or karate.
Monday, June 23, 2008
And so it begins...
As I sit here, at the beginning of another summer, I am full of promise.
I promise myself alot. The only thing is, I don't often deliver. Countless times in my past I have, when faced with a challenge, taken the easy route or give up. Its as though I can't trust myself enough to believe that I can achieve whatever I set my mind to.
So what am I aiming to do now? Well, first of all, I have to get my weight under control. I have never in my life felt so big, so disgusting, so un-feminine. I cringe when I see myself in pictures, and find doing the simplest of tasks a challenge. Sounds easy-just stop eating junk and exercise. If it was that easy, I'd have been skinny years ago.
Once again am setting myself up to achieve something. I think I am on the right track-but I have to plan things out a bit more clearly. If I were to declare "I want to lose 90lbs" I would be overwhelmed by the task set out in front of me. I do want to lose 90 lbs, but I know that the only way to do that is to divide my goal into smaller, mini-goals.
These goals will come with simple, yet achieveable challenges. Starting off small, I can build myself into the woman I want to be.
Will I set a time limit? No. I am not one for being pressured. BUT I will set guidelines to track my progress and see how I am faring.
So, as I sit here today, I am making a concsious effort to take back my life. To regain the self-respect and love that has been lacking in my life. One step at a time, I am going to build myself the confident, attractive, outgoing, and funny person I know I can be.
So, on that note, my first challenge is to drink water-lots of water. Between 8-10 servings per day. No more pop/juice filled days at work. Pop can be saved for a treat, but water is where its at. I have bottled water and some crystal light, so its just a matter of having it with me, and consciously choosing to drink it.
I'll check in later and update my progress. Once this task hass been accomplished, I will be adding another challenge to the mix. No rush though-perfection takes time...lol
I promise myself alot. The only thing is, I don't often deliver. Countless times in my past I have, when faced with a challenge, taken the easy route or give up. Its as though I can't trust myself enough to believe that I can achieve whatever I set my mind to.
So what am I aiming to do now? Well, first of all, I have to get my weight under control. I have never in my life felt so big, so disgusting, so un-feminine. I cringe when I see myself in pictures, and find doing the simplest of tasks a challenge. Sounds easy-just stop eating junk and exercise. If it was that easy, I'd have been skinny years ago.
Once again am setting myself up to achieve something. I think I am on the right track-but I have to plan things out a bit more clearly. If I were to declare "I want to lose 90lbs" I would be overwhelmed by the task set out in front of me. I do want to lose 90 lbs, but I know that the only way to do that is to divide my goal into smaller, mini-goals.
These goals will come with simple, yet achieveable challenges. Starting off small, I can build myself into the woman I want to be.
Will I set a time limit? No. I am not one for being pressured. BUT I will set guidelines to track my progress and see how I am faring.
So, as I sit here today, I am making a concsious effort to take back my life. To regain the self-respect and love that has been lacking in my life. One step at a time, I am going to build myself the confident, attractive, outgoing, and funny person I know I can be.
So, on that note, my first challenge is to drink water-lots of water. Between 8-10 servings per day. No more pop/juice filled days at work. Pop can be saved for a treat, but water is where its at. I have bottled water and some crystal light, so its just a matter of having it with me, and consciously choosing to drink it.
I'll check in later and update my progress. Once this task hass been accomplished, I will be adding another challenge to the mix. No rush though-perfection takes time...lol
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